Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me My dog
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
another case of gang violins
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree