OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
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Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?