I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.