OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
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[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!