NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”
Me: That’ll teach me
Also me: No it won’t
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I’m never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.
Shoutout to the dozens of people still trying to make Google+ a thing!