@p_net

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

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@ValeeGrrl

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

@ashleyaustrew

4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”

@Adyaces

Me: That’ll teach me

Also me: No it won’t

@OctopusCaveman

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

@HatfieldAnne

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

@LeBearGirdle

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

@sixfootcandy

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

@PabloGSerski

I’m never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.