VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.