@Marcmywords2

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

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@hiimmatts

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

@timdonakowski

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

@MrRamBillings

Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

@finah

reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too

@MelissaJoy33

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

@boozemunkee

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

@ArfMeasures

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

@SatansTongue

The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus

@GensPlace

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.