Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?


Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.


Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!


Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what


reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too


I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!


Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.


MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*


The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus


When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.