ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.