Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Monday Lisa
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem