I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it