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@BobTheSuit

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

@markleggett

I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.

@novicefather

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.

@dumbbeezie

Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”

@RobinMcCauley

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

@Ristolable

[First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
*gets stabbed*

@JustDontBugMe

[Date Night]

*Ties you up*

*Handcuffs you to the chair*

*Takes out the whip*

WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!