-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.
My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.
No DNA test necessary.
Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”
Yes, but it was never about money
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
*Ties you up*
*Handcuffs you to the chair*
*Takes out the whip*
WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!