Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
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My friend is an excellent librarian.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.