Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.