The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
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Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.
Marriage is like a tattoo. You say it’s for ever but we all know there are ways & means of ditching it. It’ll just be painful and expensive.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Break up with your boyfriend. I have coloring books at my house
Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”
Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”
Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.