@CherBear162

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

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@marthasa1

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

@faizziy

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

@JimmyBauer

Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.

@ShoutingGoddess

Marriage is like a tattoo. You say it’s for ever but we all know there are ways & means of ditching it. It’ll just be painful and expensive.

@DamienFahey

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

@WheelTod

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

@TheNYAMProject

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

@garrettbarry70

Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”

Me. “Yep”

Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”

Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”

@gorrdano

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.