*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!