OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
You Might Also Like
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
☺️
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic