*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
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Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.
NO YOU GET A LIFE.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law.
I know that now.
You know who else has a naughty list?
When your man makes a valid point
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.