Loudest noises in the world:
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
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Why do they call it “Jew-ish”? Are they not Jew enough?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.
The last time I cleaned my teenagers room, I found an empty bottle of lotion under his bed. So yeah like I said, the last time I clean his room. EVER.
I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.
Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over
Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.