“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa