@SteveSuckington

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

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@LizerReal

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

@jensenmarie_

Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.

NO YOU GET A LIFE.

@carolinamess_

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

@CAshmanActor

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

@jergarl

Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law.

I know that now.

@heyitsJudeD

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

@ShootyDoody

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.