Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.


Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”


Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.


My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know


Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom


I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.