OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
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Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time