Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
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I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire