Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”