Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
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There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.