@ArielDumas

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

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@WetzelGeek

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

@ch000ch

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

@thenatewolf

Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this

@AnOrangeSNES

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

@robdelaney

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

@HughGoesThere

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

@ixix82

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

@ojedge

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.