Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
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I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.