ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT