KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
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GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.