Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

No.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.