My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Hank is one in a melon.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.