something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
The three genders.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.