“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
You Might Also Like
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.