Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
You Might Also Like
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
pls suprot
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My life coach traded me.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.