@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

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@NicestHippo

[getting a massage]

MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin

SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean

@HomeWithPeanut

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

@MrPhetz

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

@Spaziotwat

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

@briangaar

[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot

@_debbii3e

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

@eddie_ferrero

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

@thenatewolf

Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?

Detective: literally crumbs

@Shenaniglenns

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?