[getting a massage]
MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin
SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?
Detective: literally crumbs
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?