Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.