Who’s drunk
*raises leg
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Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Cardio Made Easy
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.