I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.
“Ok Noah, that’s 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?”
“Yea I did, it had lipstick on?”
Nope, raise the anchor
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Guy in USA:(phone) you ready?
Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah
*each drop a piece of bread onto ground*
Both: EARTH SANDWICH!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.
Middle of the night In bed:
Wife – Did you hear that?
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning