@Turbo_Jimmy

“Ok Noah, that’s 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?”

Nope

“Yea I did, it had lipstick on?”

Nope, raise the anchor

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@Annoyedworld

I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.

-LA Ink.

@LeahsLounge

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

@michelleisawolf

This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.

@pleatedjeans

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

@clairecdowns

Guy in USA:(phone) you ready?
Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah
Both:123
*each drop a piece of bread onto ground*
Both: EARTH SANDWICH!

@Swishergirl24

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

@Social_Mime

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

@AmishPornStar1

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning