@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

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@Kulpie

Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried

@Easy_Tiger__

Girls are like puppies.

If you don’t take them out enough, they’ll poop on your rug.

SERIOUSLY ASHLEY ON MY RUG??

@Mom_Overboard

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@SergioValenCo

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.

@retardedwriter

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

@geowizzacist

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

@pinupteacher

My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.