Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
time for some seasonal decor
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man