Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Feels
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”