Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date