[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”
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If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
my boyfriend said “oh my god my cat looks like baby yoda” and i look over and sure enough
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy