Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
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Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.