The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.