Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question