[on the phone with my mom]
Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now
Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
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My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I’m on my way
Kurt Cobain: take your time
The choice is yours
Don’t be late
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Who do I have to marry to get a girlfriend around here
Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.
Me: Aren’t you adorable.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[first day as a negotiator]