Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
All set.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?