OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
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When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
#StillHurts
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit