Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.