Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
You Might Also Like
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time