“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking