Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Fries, not lies.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations