Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking
PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.