[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
You Might Also Like
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.