Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

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[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful


[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know


There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.


Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck


“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.


Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”


My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.


Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously


Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show


Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.