Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up