Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Kids: Stay in school.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Apparently, “he’s an army officer” isn’t the correct response to “who’s your daddy”.
[Brings date back to my place]
Date: It’s kinda cold in here
Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?
Date: eh..I dunno
Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum