Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

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Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal


Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.


Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*


[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]


In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green


Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.


Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.


A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.