Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
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I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans