– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
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Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
ibopfufen
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
i hate you platonically
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what