Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*