@archerenemy

OK, so you caught me bangin’ the peanut butter jar…

Don’t make it weird…

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@ohthatbadger

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

@Carbosly

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

@bobvulfov

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

@Donnie_Fairburn

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

@kamiekaymee

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.

@Schmoodles

Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.

@Ygrene

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

@DaddyJew

How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.