OK, so you caught me bangin’ the peanut butter jar…

Don’t make it weird…

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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.


“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs


FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago


“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)


Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.


Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.


[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom


How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.


Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.