Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I finally found a reason to live again.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?