Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

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johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp


*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*


I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.


dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now


me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount


If by ‘lucky’ you mean I remember to clean the lint trap so it doesn’t self combust, then yes, I’m up all night to get lucky. . . Again.


Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.


Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.


Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.


look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens