Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
me hooking up with my ex
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Cartman: Respect my
a a
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Fight
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.