@SCbchbum

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

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@gilozeri

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

@fanofhell

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

@ChicksRule

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

@MNateShyamalan

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

@Rachelnoise

If by ‘lucky’ you mean I remember to clean the lint trap so it doesn’t self combust, then yes, I’m up all night to get lucky. . . Again.

@Vodkantots

Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.

@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

@AlexTHoffman

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

@thomas_violence

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens