Ok team, today we’re …..oh
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When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t