“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
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People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR